A funny thing happened when I turned 18: I became a tidy person. After a lifetime of living in a world of floordrobes (aka storing the entire contents of your wardrobe on your bedroom floor), lost hair ties and chewing gum-filled handbags, in a matter of months I was transformed. It was a modern-day Cinderella story, except instead of finding Prince Charming, Cinderella discovers she bloody loves mopping the floors. My bed began to make itself, my belongings started staying in my possession instead of losing themselves within minutes of being flung into my bag. A miracle had occurred.
At first there was embarrassment around my new-found love of cleanliness; then Marie Kondo came onto the scene and suddenly my passion for Febrezing was in fashion. Being obsessively anal became cool and, for once I was ahead of the trend.
But here’s the secret no tidy folk will ever tell you: being a “clean” person sucks just as much as being a messy one. If your own mess annoys you, once you get rid of it, everyone else’s mess annoys you 10 times more. I miss my days of frivolous dress-flinging before folding became my full-time job. I miss the mess. Today’s hit list is appropriately spring- cleaning-inspired, but if you are trying to clean up your act this month, make sure to ask yourself this question: when does too much Marie Kondo turn into Marie Kon-don’t?
While we can all agree there’s nothing more satisfying than a freshly cleaned house, we can also all agree that cleaning is boring as f***, and sitting on your arse watching YouTube videos is far more entertaining. Enter speed cleaning, the latest trend in “Why can’t I stop watching this?”-style videos. Speed cleaning is what happens when we’ve truly reached peak content and have nowhere else to go. Speed cleaning vloggers film a time-lapse of themselves scouring their kitchen/bedroom/toilet (I haven’t seen a toilet one yet, but it’s only a matter of time), speed up the video, set it to some calming music and upload it online to thousands if not millions of views. Don’t believe me? Search “speed cleaning” on YouTube and let the calming sights of other people disinfecting take over your brain.
While previously, when trying to smell shower fresh, one would have actually had to take a shower, Clean Perfume completely removes this annoying prerequisite. With scents ranging from Shower Fresh to Fresh Laundry to Skin (I’m assuming this one smells like spot cream and the cup of coffee I spilt on my jumper and couldn’t be bothered to wipe off), these heavenly scents are the perfect solution for when you want to smell like you have your life together without actually getting your life together at all.
Food Network Facebook chatbot
Future Gen Z-ers will look down fondly on previous generations who actually had to make their own decisions. The Food Network’s new Facebook Messenger chatbot cuts out dinnertime um-ing and ah-ing altogether: simply ask it what you should eat for dinner and in seconds you will be presented with a list of recipes to suit all moods, budgets and dietary requirements. @FoodNetwork
Dear White People
Another week, another Netflix series to help put off leaving the house and doing anything other than slyly watching TV with your headphones on while pretending to answer emails. Following the brilliant 2014 movie of the same name, Dear White People is a comedy about students of colour as they navigate life in a predominantly white university. It hits web servers everywhere on Friday.